mellifluous mendicant

I am lost.

I am 25, and I am lost.

All these years, I did all that the society asked me to do. I let society chart the course of my life’ journey, and I followed it to the “T”.
I let everyone decide what was good for me- everyone, except me. Do I feel guilty for my actions? I would lie if I answered in negative.

I let everyone dictate the terms and spell out the rules of an endless, and audacious game in which I pretended to be anything but my true self. I was true to everybody, but me. I played a game I never wanted to.

And now I am lost.

Trying to follow what I was “supposed” to do rather than what I “wished” to do, I have lost all my wishes, and with that my very self.

I am weak. I am helpless in front of an invisible enemy. I stand no chance to an enemy who derives his strength from the fact that I stand on the other side of the fence.

Too many people are in favour of that which I am against. Does it show that I have erred on a very basic premise? Is there a need to revisit the ethics, the teachings, and the beliefs I was taught to adhere to?

How can I be such a big misfit? How can there be such gross contradictions in my thoughts, my words and my actions and that of the people with whom I spend my life? How can I be so cruel to ignore “my-way” of doing things?

Why should things be as they are now?

Have I truly understood things as they are? Is there more to it?

Things aren’t as simple as they teach you in schools. Why not?

Is there a reason to what I am? Is there a reason to why I am what I am, and not someone else? Is there a reason why I am a human being?

Is there more to life than mere earning a decent livelihood, settling down with a family? Is there more to life than just sleeping, eating, mating, and defending? Think of it, all I have done so long is either one of these four basic activities, either explicit or some implicit, sophisticated and polished version of the same.

Is that all to life?

Other than going to the best school, the best college, availing the best amenities that this consumerist society has to offer? Settling for a nice, comfortable job that pays you more than your father’ highest pay, or, even more than your grandfather’ cumulative pay for his life? What else is life meant for?

Yes, there is more to life. Believe me there is. Yet to be unravelled by my humble self, I continue on my journey to discover life.

Looking for answers, still.